I took a walk around the yard with Alivea the other afternoon. It was a Sunday and my normal Sunday afternoon routine is: walk in the door, complain about the mess, collapse on the couch because I can’t handle the mess or the impending craziness that is Monday, take a nap, and then wake up and attempt to cook something and gather my wits for Monday. I didn’t take a nap this Sunday. I took a walk with her instead. And she talked and poured out her heart. She shared her 11-year old worries, a few fears and some rumors she had heard. We must have walked three laps around our yard and she just talked and I listened. We talked about trust and I heard “I trust you” but it wasn’t her voice. It was His.
I explicitly heard Him say that He trusted me. He trusted me 11 years ago when she was born. He trusted me with her. With her body and with her heart.
I sat on the couch with him on Monday. Mondays are hard around here and this one had been a doozy. We’re in the middle of a video game detox of sorts with our kids so he hadn’t played any of his “bideo” games in almost 24 hours. We had just gotten home from our homeschool community day, which is hard for him, and I knew he was struggling. He lay on the couch watching Despicable Me and I grabbed my Frankincense and poured out my last drop and rubbed it into his feet. And I decided for the rest of my life, I’ll pour out whatever I have for these kids.
Right there on my couch. With his little feet and that last drop and with the memory of my walk with Alivea around our yard, I made this decision. And I’ll have to make it everyday for the rest of my life. I know, just as sure as I’m gonna take a breath in a few seconds, that Jesus trusted me with these children. He didn’t trust you or that mom down the street with the huge SUV or even the mom in another town who cooks those amazing healthy meals. He trusted me. I need to lean into that. I need to stop questioning it and beating myself up because I’m not the mom I think they need or want.
Do you do this to yourself too? You’re staring your children right in their eyes and questioning everything about you as a mother. You are staring at one of your greatest gifts and questioning the giver. I know there are days when they may be your biggest challenge. I’m preaching to myself too. Trust me. But I heard it. I heard Him say He trusted me. So for today, and tomorrow and all the tomorrows after that, I’m just gonna lean into that. And I’m gonna pour out whatever I have for them. And Him. And trust Him to fill in the gaps and cross all the t’s and dot all the i’s and just fix it.