The Pregnancy Test Was Negative and I Survived

I've struggled with infertility for over 11 years.  Most of you already know that because I have shared extensively about that.

 

One part of that struggle that I've never really talked much about is every woman's favorite doctor's appointment- the yearly OB/GYN appointment.

 

I absolutely hate these appointments.  I am totally fine with all of the clinical stuff.  I do not mind getting almost naked or even wearing the paper thingy.  I also do not mind the actual exam.

 

The thing that I mind is the questions.  As soon as the doctor or nurse hears that I have not been using birth control for 11 years and I have not gotten pregnant, the questions start.  And I hate them.

 

I hate the shame that I feel.  I hate that I feel stupid for not pursuing infertility treatment.  I hate that I get very emotional and start crying every time.  I hate that I leave the office feeling broken.

 

The last time I had my yearly appointment I actually ended up in the parking lot crying uncontrollably and having a semi-panic attack.

 

Seriously, I wish I could handle these appointments better.  But I couldn't.  Until yesterday.

 

I had a huge personal victory in my OB/GYN's office yesterday.  I could have done a cartwheel down the sidewalk, I was that happy and proud of myself and so so grateful for Jesus and for what He is doing in my life and in my infertility.

 

 

Source and License for Use

 

 

I saw a new midwife yesterday when I went for my yearly appointment and she asked the same questions but it was the first time that I just answered the questions.  I didn't feel any awkwardness or any shame.  I didn't feel broken.

 

She was so nice and really made me feel comfortable.  I didn't feel judged at all.

 

Because of the way I answered some of the questions, she actually asked me to take a pregnancy test and I almost panicked with that.

 

The test came back negative and my new midwife was so supportive and sweet that I actually had to reassure that it was okay.

 

 "It's negative, damn it!  I really wanted to give you some good news," she said.

 

She was actually more disappointed than I was.

 

That is huge guys.  For someone who has been on this train for as long as I have, that is huge.

 

Pregnancy tests are something we infertile people avoid.  At all costs.

 

We get a little panicky just going down the aisle in Wal-mart.  Seriously, I could probably pay for Alivea's first year of college with all the wasted pee sticks I've thrown away.

 

So for me to not get upset.  To not have a complete melt-down in the doctor's office was huge. HUGE.

 

I don't know what Jesus is up to.  Maybe it's this whole year of "Being Brave" that I've been trying to live. Maybe I'm just finally to the point that I don't really care if I get pregnant or not.  I'm not really sure. But I like it.  I like not feeling broken.  I like feeling confident in this valley (of infertility) that I'm walking.

 

I love my new nurse.  And I am so thankful for her kindness and her concern for me.

 

I think I'm going to go write her a thank-you note.

 

 

 

 

Dear 23 Year Old Me