The Pregnancy Test Was Negative and I Survived

I've struggled with infertility for over 11 years.  Most of you already know that because I have shared extensively about that.


One part of that struggle that I've never really talked much about is every woman's favorite doctor's appointment- the yearly OB/GYN appointment.


I absolutely hate these appointments.  I am totally fine with all of the clinical stuff.  I do not mind getting almost naked or even wearing the paper thingy.  I also do not mind the actual exam.


The thing that I mind is the questions.  As soon as the doctor or nurse hears that I have not been using birth control for 11 years and I have not gotten pregnant, the questions start.  And I hate them.


I hate the shame that I feel.  I hate that I feel stupid for not pursuing infertility treatment.  I hate that I get very emotional and start crying every time.  I hate that I leave the office feeling broken.


The last time I had my yearly appointment I actually ended up in the parking lot crying uncontrollably and having a semi-panic attack.


Seriously, I wish I could handle these appointments better.  But I couldn't.  Until yesterday.


I had a huge personal victory in my OB/GYN's office yesterday.  I could have done a cartwheel down the sidewalk, I was that happy and proud of myself and so so grateful for Jesus and for what He is doing in my life and in my infertility.



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I saw a new midwife yesterday when I went for my yearly appointment and she asked the same questions but it was the first time that I just answered the questions.  I didn't feel any awkwardness or any shame.  I didn't feel broken.


She was so nice and really made me feel comfortable.  I didn't feel judged at all.


Because of the way I answered some of the questions, she actually asked me to take a pregnancy test and I almost panicked with that.


The test came back negative and my new midwife was so supportive and sweet that I actually had to reassure that it was okay.


 "It's negative, damn it!  I really wanted to give you some good news," she said.


She was actually more disappointed than I was.


That is huge guys.  For someone who has been on this train for as long as I have, that is huge.


Pregnancy tests are something we infertile people avoid.  At all costs.


We get a little panicky just going down the aisle in Wal-mart.  Seriously, I could probably pay for Alivea's first year of college with all the wasted pee sticks I've thrown away.


So for me to not get upset.  To not have a complete melt-down in the doctor's office was huge. HUGE.


I don't know what Jesus is up to.  Maybe it's this whole year of "Being Brave" that I've been trying to live. Maybe I'm just finally to the point that I don't really care if I get pregnant or not.  I'm not really sure. But I like it.  I like not feeling broken.  I like feeling confident in this valley (of infertility) that I'm walking.


I love my new nurse.  And I am so thankful for her kindness and her concern for me.


I think I'm going to go write her a thank-you note.





Dear 23 Year Old Me