I've struggled with infertility for over 11 years. Most of you already know that because I have shared extensively about that.
One part of that struggle that I've never really talked much about is every woman's favorite doctor's appointment- the yearly OB/GYN appointment.
I absolutely hate these appointments. I am totally fine with all of the clinical stuff. I do not mind getting almost naked or even wearing the paper thingy. I also do not mind the actual exam.
The thing that I mind is the questions. As soon as the doctor or nurse hears that I have not been using birth control for 11 years and I have not gotten pregnant, the questions start. And I hate them.
I hate the shame that I feel. I hate that I feel stupid for not pursuing infertility treatment. I hate that I get very emotional and start crying every time. I hate that I leave the office feeling broken.
The last time I had my yearly appointment I actually ended up in the parking lot crying uncontrollably and having a semi-panic attack.
Seriously, I wish I could handle these appointments better. But I couldn't. Until yesterday.
I had a huge personal victory in my OB/GYN's office yesterday. I could have done a cartwheel down the sidewalk, I was that happy and proud of myself and so so grateful for Jesus and for what He is doing in my life and in my infertility.
I saw a new midwife yesterday when I went for my yearly appointment and she asked the same questions but it was the first time that I just answered the questions. I didn't feel any awkwardness or any shame. I didn't feel broken.
She was so nice and really made me feel comfortable. I didn't feel judged at all.
Because of the way I answered some of the questions, she actually asked me to take a pregnancy test and I almost panicked with that.
The test came back negative and my new midwife was so supportive and sweet that I actually had to reassure that it was okay.
"It's negative, damn it! I really wanted to give you some good news," she said.
She was actually more disappointed than I was.
That is huge guys. For someone who has been on this train for as long as I have, that is huge.
Pregnancy tests are something we infertile people avoid. At all costs.
We get a little panicky just going down the aisle in Wal-mart. Seriously, I could probably pay for Alivea's first year of college with all the wasted pee sticks I've thrown away.
So for me to not get upset. To not have a complete melt-down in the doctor's office was huge. HUGE.
I don't know what Jesus is up to. Maybe it's this whole year of "Being Brave" that I've been trying to live. Maybe I'm just finally to the point that I don't really care if I get pregnant or not. I'm not really sure. But I like it. I like not feeling broken. I like feeling confident in this valley (of infertility) that I'm walking.
I love my new nurse. And I am so thankful for her kindness and her concern for me.
I think I'm going to go write her a thank-you note.